Ten great quotes, re-written for the corporate world!

KingIt’s Friday and I’m feeling a bit mischievous.  I’ve been a bit overwhelmed by business-speak in the last few days working on some big projects and my mind has gone a bit hazy.   I found myself wondering what some of life’s most memorable quotations would have looked like if they had been spoken in a corporate environment by true hardcore jargon jockeys.   What if Churchill had an MBA?  What if Gandhi had come from a career in IT?  What if Schwarzenegger’s cyborg assassin had been programmed by a middle manager?  What if the language of the office was the language of the world?   Here then, ladies and gentlemen, is my top ten:

Winston Churchill – “we shall fight on the beaches”

“We shall compete in a multi-platform environment but prioritise investments towards coastal deployment”

Martin Luther King – “I have a dream”

“I possess a fully costed business plan.  On PowerPoint”

Muhammad Ali – “I am the greatest”

“Adjusting for negative influxes and variable uplifts, I have achieved a level of superior and sustainable performance across a broad range of key scorecard indicators to become best of breed.”

Gandhi – “you must be the change you wish to see”

“Your strategic imperative is to implement mission-critical transformation with rigour and focus to optimise benefits realisation”

Arnie in The Terminator – “I’ll be back”

“I intend to exploit opportunities for further re-investment in existing operational activities at a later date … probably in Q3”

Mark Antony – “friends, Romans, countrymen – lend me your ears”

“Stakeholders, Romans, headcount – enter into a collaborative sourcing alliance to facilitate the supply of audio-enabling services”

Richard Dreyfuss in Jaws – “we’re gonna need a bigger boat”

“Given the suboptimal nature of the existing marine vessel, we require an investment proposal to reengineer the current-state solution for improved scalability to meet future operational requirements”

Jack Nicolson in A Few Good Men – “you can’t handle the truth”

“Your assurance and compliance deficiencies present unacceptable risks in relation to your truth-management capability”

Neil Armstrong – “one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”

“Whilst the output per capita is minimal, the aggregated production totality offers significant scope for strategic long term return on investment”

JFK – “ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country”

“Ask not how you can leverage career development opportunities but consider your personal contribution to developing the future-state competency framework required to deliver sustained shareholder value”

If you have some of your own, please leave a reply.   Go on.  Think outside the box, go for the low hanging fruit, blah blah blah.

4 thoughts on “Ten great quotes, re-written for the corporate world!

  1. Anonymous

    Very entertaining post, although you missed out my favourite Ghandi quote:
    “An eye for an eye, and soon we will all be blind.” Translated into business jargon would read something like:
    “We’ve already optimised our market share, but a sustained campaign of targeting future gains in this space on a like-for-like basis would see us at risk of becoming victims of our own success.”

    Reply
  2. el_t

    One of your best, Dave. Just a bit disappointed you didn’t use ‘reaching out’ anywhere in there. 😉
    There’s got to be a Star Wars quote though. Although the Emperor stating: “Now witness the firepower of this fully armed and operational battle station!” is pretty close to business speak anyway.
    How about something from Han Solo? “I am fully cognitive of your positive disposition towards my current performance paradigms, as evidenced by the 360 degree feedback you have provided in the moment.”

    Reply

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